5 Ways to Recover From a Valentine’s Day Blunder
(Guys always screw up on Valentine’s Day. Smethanie tells you how to recover.)
It’s Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air. Well, Hallmark claims it is at least. Babies are on the loose, shooting unregistered weapons at unsuspecting strangers. If you play your cards right, you’ll make it to the only part of the sappy holiday you actually enjoy — the happy ending after all the wining and dining. But, make one wrong move, Mister, and all the kisses beginning with K and overpriced dead botanical things are for waste.
You’re not a woman, so good luck figuring out exactly what yours wants. The female mind is so complex, we can barely decipher our own thoughts. I mean, it takes us more than an appropriate amount of time to figure out what we want from a restaurant menu, and we’re never happy with our decision. How the hell are we supposed to know what we want for Valentine’s Day? We don’t, but we expect you to. You won’t, so here’s five ways to recover from a Valentine’s Day blunder and still take part in the plunder:
Shave Her Name in Your Back Hair
Nothing says “I love you” like a personalized gift. Show her you’ll go that extra mile and that you aren’t beyond suffering a little pain for her not by giving her the shirt off your back, but by customizing your back fur to proclaim your love. No matter how badly you mess up the day, what woman could turn down such a sweet, sexy gesture? Only a crazy one and you don’t want one of those to begin with.
I’m not talking, moist eyes and a slight sniffle — go into full-on weeping mode, complete with snot bubbles. It will show her your sensitive side and let her know that you feel comfortable opening up around her. Bonus: Tears make for great lube!
Note: This method is particularly effective on a first date.
Get a Harley and Some Tatts!
It’s no secret that chicks dig bad boys. So, before you ruin the day with your inability to read minds, head down to the bike shop and get yourself a nice tattoo on the way home. Remember: The badder the tattoo, the better. Skip anything sweet or meaningful and go straight for the skulls and daggers. Your woman won’t be able to resist. And when you do mess up the day, it’s okay. You’re the bad guy, she didn’t expect anything different.
Here’s what you do, Romeo. Before tonight’s big date, eat no less than 47 burritos. You’ll naturally be holed up in the bathroom come date time. No sound affects necessary with this one, fellas, the cacophony coming from behind that door will be all natural. Make sure to add in some painful groans and ask her if she could schedule you a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. She’ll be so shocked by the request, as well as the assault on her ears and nose, that she won’t be able to feel anything but bad for you. When you emerge from the bathroom and she asks if there’s anything she can do to make you feel better, say, “Well, there is one thing.” Boom. Homerun.
Break Up With Her
Who cares if it’s Valentine’s Day? The best way to recover from messing up the most romantic day of the year is to kick your woman to the curb. It’s simple: Girls want what they can’t have. The second she thinks she can no longer have you, you’ll be struggling to come up for air. You’ll be explaining some hickeys at work come Feb. 15, you sexy thing, you.