8 Occasions When Men Deserve Presents
The push gift. If you haven’t had a child yet, you’re probably as confused as we were in remedial algebra. If you do have a third mouth to feed, though, you know what this is -- the present you give your significant other for having a baby.
That got us thinking: what are some events or accomplishments a man should receive gifts for that he currently doesn’t? Here’s a look:
Having a child
A woman pushing a kid down her internal slip and slide into the world is an amazing, beautiful accomplishment and she should be recognized for doing her part to increase the world’s population, but let’s give the dad some love, too. With baby comes a college education to pay for and, if he has a little girl, he’d better start socking away his spare nickels because he’ll have to shell out beaucoup bucks for a wedding. Considering his wallet will take a hit of Bernie Madoff proportions, heck, yeah, the proud papa should also get a gift.
Recommended gift: a box of tissues to wipe away all the tears for all the money your pride and joy is going to cost
Winning a fantasy sports league
Sure, he may get a cash prize, but winning any fantasy league should be acknowledged by those who don’t even play. You try finding a few hours to sneak out of the house to take part in a draft that goes on longer than a filibuster, stealing looks at the latest scores while at your cousin’s wedding and sneaking in roster moves on company time. It ain’t easy.
Recommended gift: front-row season tickets to your favorite team
Meeting her parents
The anticipation of the first meeting with your girlfriend’s parents can be as agonizing as a root canal. If you can survive the ordeal, let alone impress them and show you’re not some dreamer still clutching hope that your band is going to hit the big time, then you deserve to be publicly honored. Bonus points if you can sit through an entire dinner without making a face while you eat your prospective mother-in-law’s meat loaf, too.
Recommended gift: a handkerchief monogrammed with your initials to wipe the sweat off your brow after making it through such a nerve-inducing experience
Winning an argument with his significant other
This is moot because it will never happen. Most fights begin with the man convinced he’s finally going to win, but 10 minutes later, that same man is deflated and says something along the lines of, “You’re right. I hadn’t thought of that. You had every right to set me on fire. I’m sorry.” A man who can win an argument will go down in history with the likes of Newton, Guttenberg and whoever came up with the wheel.
Recommended gift: a day named in your honor, as well as your own Ben & Jerry’s flavor
Sitting through a movie on Lifetime
It doesn’t matter what the movie is because they’re all the same -- a woman is either being stalked or finds out her husband is living a double life. She cries in her bed. She cries in the shower. She cries to the guy delivering her Chinese because she’s too sad to leave the house. She rebounds to find her inner strength and emerges a more self-confident woman. The only excuse for watching this kind of flick is you lost your remote -- and even that is debatable.
Recommended gift: a boxed set of all the ‘Die Hard’ movies
Going to the mall with A Woman
You know how it is: the woman shops ‘til she drops, while you wander around like an extra from ‘The Walking Dead.’ You accompany her to hit The Gap, Express, Macy’s, Bath & Body Works and then go back to Express to pick up that skirt because it’s just too cute to pass up. You start reciting the alphabet backwards to keep your mind fresh while your woman tries on dress after seemingly same dress. And to think this all happened because you said you were craving Chick-Fil-A.
Recommended gift: Chick-Fil-A
Successfully answering the question, “Does this make me look fat?”
This can be done, but it requires maneuvering your words like a seven-piece living room set in a studio apartment. Answering this question is like one of those choose-your-own-adventure books we read as kids: no matter what your response, chances are you’ll wish you went with the other option. However, if you somehow defy the odds and come up with a line that doesn’t make your lady love want to scratch out your eyes and follow that with the silent treatment, then you should definitely be rewarded.
Recommended gift: a thick-cut piece of beef for you and the missus to share, since, you know, she’s not fat
Checking out another woman while with your significant other
This move requires the kind of precision reserved for watches with Swiss quartz movement. You’re in public and you do a double take when you spot a rather attractive lady. If you can somehow soak in the eye candy without getting caught, then you have pulled off one of the great feats in man history. Here’s a tip, though, if you do get caught. Just say you were leering at the honey bunny because she looked like somebody who went to high school with you. Guaranteed to work.
Recommended gift: a pair of CIA-issued Ray-Bans to help you scope out women without being detected