The Midnight Writer is a freelance writer and contributor to popular websites and magazines. He's written three humor books and often writes while under the influence. Under the influence of what, he will not say.
The Midnight Writer
2013 NFL Honors Awards– Adrian Peterson Wins MVP, Offensive Player of the Year
Adrian Peterson topped off his amazing 2012 season by running away with the NFL's MVP award and Offensive Player of the Year honors at the NFL Honors awards. Peterson edged out Peyton Manning who was the only other vote getter for the award.
Courtney Lenz, Baltimore Ravens Cheerleader, Claims She Wasn’t Included on Super Bowl Trip Because of Weight
Courtney Lenz, a five year veteran of the Baltimore Ravens cheerleading squad, is claiming the team left her off the trip to the Super Bowl because of her "slight weight gain." Oh deer! Sorry, I meant dear. Force of habit with this squad.
Chris Culliver Pulls the Old ‘Just Kidding’ Card Regarding Anti-Gay Remarks
Chris Culliver, the San Francisco 49ers cornerback who yesterday made some inappropriate remarks about gays on Arti Lange's radio show, is backtracking on those statements with the verbal Get Out Of Jail Free card known as "just kidding."
Dan Marino Admits to Fathering a Love Child With a CBS Production Assistant
Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino has something that the other men on the CBS 'The NFL Today' show don't -- a Super Bowl ring a kid out of wedlock.
I’ve Discovered An Excuse to Get Men Out of Any Situation [Half a Man]
A recent piece of satire on one of my favorite sports websites prompted some research on another current favorite of mine – Lena Dunham. I realize that’s a substantial amount of a** kissing in one opening sentence but it’s true. Dunham is funny, unafraid to take risks and like her or not -- and plenty of people fall in the “or not” category -- she’s going to be around for a long time.
CM Punk Fan Slightly Upset About Royal Rumble Outcome
If you haven't heard by now, CM Punk's year plus reign as the WWE champion came to an end at the Royal Rumble last night. It's cool though, The Rock wrestles easily 10-11 times a year, so he should totally be champion.
Anyway, the gentleman in this video is slightly upset over the outcome of the match...
Hulk Hogan Tweets Hot Picture of His Daughter and We’re All Pretty Creeped Out About It
The legend of the Hulk Hogan we all loved as kid's is slowly fading faster than his orange day-glo skin or maybe he was always a freak and it was easier to hide back in the day.
Danica Patrick is Dating Someone Not Named You
Danica Patrick didn't even wait for the engine to cool on her divorce before announcing she's riding shotgun with another fella and we're also curious how many car references we can work into this lead paragraph KILL THE MOTOR!
Here is What Happens When a Dude Sits on a Bidet
You know the expression "don't try this at home"? Well, you can't try this at home, unless you've got a bidet but the point is don't try it in a hotel or anywhere you might find a toilet that shoots water up your anus and is intended for women...
Are You Ready Kids? SpongeBob Porn Parody ‘SpongeKnob SquareNuts’ is Rated D for Dumb
SpongeBob Squarepants is getting the porn parody treatment.
Is It Too Late To Name My Penis? [Half a Man]
Deborah Cameron was teaching a class full of college students about language and gender. The conversation turned to penises (BECAUSE WHEN DOESN'T IT!) and a male student mentioned to the prof that he and his roommate once held a contest to see who could come up with the most names for their junk...
Check Out This DeLorean Converted Into a Hovercraft
Roads? Where we are going we don't need roads. A body of water wouldn't hurt though.
Katherine — SuicideGirl of the Day
Meet Katherine, a SuicideGirl who calls herself a complete drunk, makes her own happiness and thinks she eats way too much junk food. She loves the way new lingerie feels on her skin but we're sure we'd love the way it looks on her much more.
Violent Video Games Pulled From Massachusetts Rest Stops — Artery-Clogging Treats Still Available
There is a gun issue bubbling over in this country. There has really always been a gun issue but the tragedies in Newtown, Aurora and Tuscon need a scapegoat besides, you know, the mentally unstable people behind those crimes. The pundits, politicians and 24-hour newsies needs to point the finger of blame at something and it's the people selling and buying firearms illegally Duck Hunt at the Nantu
11 Incorrect Spellings of Manti Te’o That People Have Probably Google Searched
Manti Te'o story and his fake girlfriend (pictured hugging above) transcends sports. Everyone wants the real story. So they go to the only credible news source available -- the internet.
Occasionally, I Act Like a Serial Killer [Half a Man]
It's hidden in the back of my closet. It's been there for years. It gets mail delivered; it's that established. For four years it has maintained residence, because it managed to make it through the move from the old house. It was the first shirt hung in the new closet, because it was the first shirt out of the box, because it was the last shirt in the box after an hour of deliberation that conclud
Chewbacca-Inspired Coat Guarantees You Won’t Get Any Wookie For a While
Inspired by the legendary Wookiee from Kashyyyk, this reversible furry choco covered Chewbacca men's jacket is sure to keep you warm and celibate for the cold Endor months.
Watch This UFC Fighter Roundhouse Kick Some Eggs
You know how superheros and people who can kill with just their pinky are always told to "control their gifts" and use them only when absolutely necessary? We agree. We also think, if you've got the natural gift to kick the crap out of people, you should practice that gift on intimate objects. Just to stay sharp.
Check Out Celebrities Playing Around With People’s Choice Awards Before Tossing Them in Dumpster
The 2013 People's Choice Awards were an amazing event that we won't even pretend to give a crap about. People's Choice Awards are about as meaningful as a tweet being favorited.
And Now, the Reason the Delete Button Was Invented
Matthew Fort, editor of the food and wine section of The Guardian is really excited about the new food section in the UK newspaper.