Medical experts have concluded that petting the walrus for Jesus, wrestling the bald-headed champ, punchin’ the munchkin, bopping the bologna, beating off, masturbating, or whatever you choose to call playing with yourself will not help a person fall asleep – no matter how much they do it. Shucks.

In fact, while scientists say that stroking the old one-eyed weasel as a means to getting some shut eye has been closely linked in the past, there is just no substantial evidence that proves that j'ing o into an old gym sock is any more beneficial to taming a rabid insomniac than say, counting sheep. Counting, not mounting! Stay with us!

Well boys, it looks like science has yet again screwed us out of another one of life’s simple pleasures by putting it underneath a microscope. However, we’re not buying into this anti-whacker propaganda. After all, do you know how many times we’ve stirred from a good night’s sleep with our limp noodles still in our hands? We'll give you a hint: A lot!