How Long Can I Keep a Woman in My ‘Spank Bank?’ — Half a Man

Curvy is the perfect descriptive word. She was curvy with easily a Double D on top. Her body was insane. She had a good inch or two on me in height but neither of us seemed to mind. I didn't mind only because she didn't seem to mind. I was buying shoes, and though it wasn't her department, she went to the back for a size nine ankle-cut boot. 

We talked. She laughed. Two nights later and our clothing, including my awesome new boots, were scattered around my bedroom floor. In movies and TV shows, men oversell a hard blink to simulate the snapping of a mental photo of a naked woman. I don't remember if I blinked hard but my mind took an incredibly vivid image for prosperities sake.

That was thirteen years ago.

I don't remember the destination of our few dates. I don't remember the name of the college she left for at the end of the summer. I can't recall how we left it, if we ever talked again after that summer or even her name. I do remember exactly what she looks like naked. I can see it like it was yesterday.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a good memory.

Every once in a while, the normal self-pleasuring routine gets old. The porn stars all look the same (bronze with bombs bolted on) and even the "real girls" look fake. On one website this girl is a young coed home from a semester abroad and on the next website she's a frustrated cougar hand-tugging the handyman. It all starts to look the same, which sucks, because it makes the whole act feels exactly the same. That's when a guy usually "takes it to the bank."

Here is the honest truth for those in the audience that just aren't aware (or just aren't honest). Men never fantasize about the person they are currently with. You don't want what you've already got. So we introduce characters in the mental mind screwing -- the girl who always works at the coffee shop, the woman who gets off at the same subway stop every morning or the chick at the gym who sneaks peeks at her own backside when she thinks no one is watching. It feels naturally to fantasize about these women. I can't explain why, it just feels normal.

Curvy, and a couple others from my past, show up often and it just feels wrong. Especially after the statutes of limitation have passed.

For this reason, I've decided to set hard and fast rules about the women who remain in, for lack of a better term, the spank bank.

Rule #1 -- If I can't remember her name, or at least three significant facts about her, she has to be removed from the rotation. I don't remember any personal information about Curvy so she's going to be tough to let go. I'm considering hiring a private investigator. "I just need her name, her dog's name and the street she grew up on. If you find her, I don't want to contact her, I just need the info. Here's a photo of what she looked like."

Rule #2 -- If her current relationship status is married or unavailable, I can't keep her in the mental rolodex. To resist the temptation, I'm unfriending everyone on Facebook I've ever hooked up with who's now in a relationship. If we remain Facebook friends, you're not one of my regular images, or I hate your boyfriend/husband and it's more of a spite thing now.

Rule #3 -- If the sexual scenarios I'm imagining are much better than what really went down then I'm putting in too much effort. My mind has us in a sex swing In Cabo but our real encounter was under a jungle gym in Bayonne, NJ. It's exhausting keeping this fresh.

Rule #4 -- If the original relationship --whether it be sexual, friendly, business-related or any other circumstance -- was more than ten years ago she's officially released from her contract.

Rule #5 -- If your Kylie, it's over. Not that Kylie. Not that one…YUP that Kylie.

To all the girls I've loved before, and again, and again and well you get the idea -- it's been great.  We've had some really good times. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. Truthfully, it was probably very similar to actually having sex with me --  you didn't feel a thing.

With much of the bank account now permanently withdrawn, I'm going to start holding opens audition for some featured roles. Women of all sizes, ages and races are welcome. Don't find me, I'll find you.

I'm the dude blinking really hard.

Chris Illuminati is the editor-in-chief of GuySpeed. He's written three humor books, ruined many relationships and still cries during thunderstorms. His column 'Half a Man' appears every Tuesday. You can read more of his work here.