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I Finally Realized What My Home Office Was Missing — a Photo Of Abe Lincoln Getting Capped [Half a Man]

The Assassination of President Lincoln

The cultural maturation of a young boy into a man is a gradual process. It begins in the teen years with the shedding of many of the toys and collectibles he treasured as a child — the teddy bear companion for example — and continues even through adult life. Few interests that men devout hours to in their 20s get the same attention later in life.  You don’t see many 60-year-old men pulling all-nighters cracked up on Mountain Dew Code Red and shouting obscenities at a first-person shooter game.

The same can be said for our choices in decor. Mature, adult men can’t liter their bedroom or study with movie memorabilia, toys and posters of bikini-clad models and be taken seriously by the rest of society. Unless everything is framed or in hard plastic containers to retain its original condition and value — then that’s totally cool and OH MAN IS THAT AN ORIGINAL, STILL IN THE PACKAGE SNAKE EYES?!?

I arrived at these opinions while decorating my home office. After months of sorting though my belongings with a “stay or go” and “display or store” mentality, I achieved a look that says “Pottery Barn catalog meets around-the-corner comic shop.” I’ve even got an authentic fan boy in the corner sucking down a Slurpee and pouring over the latest Aquaman like it’s the Dead Sea Scrolls. Not sure how he got here but he doesn’t make much of a fuss if I leave him be.

The office walls are empty. I stare at barren walls all day. It’s annoying but I’m more perturbed at my indecisiveness. I’ve only so much available space (the room is more a closet than an office) so I can’t make impulse decisions and frame photos I’ll grow bored with after only weeks of staring through it while I’m supposed to be writing.

And then came Abe.

One of a kind, issued the day after the assassination of the man who played Daniel Day-Lewis in ‘Lincoln’, the photo was used during a nationwide manhunt to find Lincoln’s killer and the man responsible for countless ticket refunds in one night. The murderer John Wilkes Booth. Wanted posters wouldn’t suffice to find the man who shot the President.

“Here is the fella who shot the President. Here is his wife. Here is what she decided to wear to the theater that evening. Questionable. No clue who that woman is but let’s assume her evening was ruined. Please hang this poster in your business so we can bring this man to justice. I guess take down the poster of William Henry Harrison dying of a cold. We’ll never catch who gave it to him anyway. It’s a cold case. That wasn’t a pun.”

The picture is perfect. It will cost bank. Estimated to fetch around $225K at auction. I guess I’ll have to sell some of my more prized possessions and collectables to make the extra cash.

Can someone grab a recent price guide and look up how much money I can get for a wife and kid?

Chris Illuminati is the editor-in-chief of GuySpeed. He’s written three humor books, ruined many personal relationships and still cries during thunderstorms. His “Half a Man” column appears every week. You can read more of his work here or follow him on Twitter.

NEXT: It's Hard to Write a Letter When Your Hand's Shaking in Fear

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