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I’ve Discovered An Excuse to Get Men Out of Any Situation [Half a Man]

Get Out of Jail Free Card
Parker Brothers

A recent piece of satire on one of my favorite sports websites prompted some research on another current favorite of mine – Lena Dunham. I realize that’s a substantial amount of a** kissing in one opening sentence but it’s true. Dunham is funny, unafraid to take risks and like her or not — and plenty of people fall in the “or not” category — she’s going to be around for a long time.

The post took a quick jab at Dunham’s upbringing, of which I’m unfamiliar, so I went where the world goes to get more information on Dunham’s background — Wikipedia. It was there I found perhaps the most fantastic information ever. It changed the way I’ll live my life. Here is that nugget, accentuated by block quotes. If I could somehow add glitters stars, fireworks and a Paul Rudd dancing GIF in between the words I would.

“In 2012, Dunham began dating Jack Antonoff, lead guitarist of the band Fun. The two have decided to put off marriage until the legalization of same-sex marriage.”

I don’t like to throw the word brilliant around (unless I’m talking about my 2-year-old kid, my cat, the first season of the original ‘The Office’, peanut butter and jelly in the same jar or underwear that captures farts, but this same-sex excuse might be the most brilliant idea I’ve ever read.

First, let’s get this all out of the way – I’m 100% for same-sex marriage. Gay people should have the same rights as straight people and while I’ll never live to see every state in this union agree, I’m hopeful that by the time I drop dead, at least half the country will pass legislation allowing gay people to be just as miserable as us married heteros.

There.

Now that that’s out of the way I can make my jokes with a clear conscious and at least have only half the people reading email to call me an a-hole.

I’m going to use the fact that gay people can’t get marriage as a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card when I don’t want to do things. I’m just upset I didn’t find out sooner about this excuse or I would have put off my whole marriage and kids thing for a few more decades.

“Honey, I’d love to get married, but until the gays can…”

Eh, what’s done is done but there is still so, SO much more to avoid.

“Honey, I’d love to go to your cousin’s wedding more than a hundred miles away but, until the gays can get married, I just don’t feel…”

“Honey, I’d love to cut the grass, but until the gays can live together and cut their own grass, AS A MARRIED COUPLE, I just don’t feel…”

“Honey, I’d love to go to the gym with you but until gay couples are recognized as married and can pay the same rates as us straight people, I refuse to patronize an establishment that won’t let them pump each other in public.”

I’m urging every guy out there to try this excuse. If your girlfriend is pressuring you to get married, move in together, cut the grass, or go to a wedding on the same Sunday as the premiere of ‘The Walking Dead,’ try pulling the gay card and see what happens.

Best case scenario? You’re not doing any of those things anytime soon, and your significant other will think of you as a pioneer for human rights. Worst case? She calls you a clueless idiot and makes you do it anyway.

Which is why I’m married, still cutting grass and DVRing ‘The Walking Dead’ premiere. Yeah, gay people are REALLY missing out on this marriage stuff.

Chris Illuminati is the editor-in-chief of GuySpeed. He’s written three humor books, ruined many personal relationships and still cries during thunderstorms. His “Half a Man” column appears every Tuesday. You can read more of his work here or follow him on Twitter.

NEXT: Is It Too Late To Name My Penis?

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