Would Anyone Enjoy Watching All the ‘Madea’ Movies in One Day? Let’s Find Out
I would consider myself an easy-going person. I can find something I like on just about any restaurant menu, I don’t have any enemies that I know of, and I like cats. However I do have my limits when it comes to entertainment.
That’s the source of my nervousness for this assignment. I’m supposed to watch all of Tyler Perry’s Madea movies in a row. I saw maybe six minutes of one of them on cable before mumbling “Kill me now” and changing the channel so this isn’t going to be pretty. All I know about this “franchise” is that Perry got extremely rich from dressing like a sassy elderly woman. Can I make a joke about Vicki Lawrence in 'Mama’s Family' here or does that completely ruin my street cred?
OK, enough procrastinating. Let’s delve into this comedic abyss of sorrow. It’s time for eight hours of Madea.
First up is 'Madea’s Family Reunion.' Blair Underwood is in this one so maybe that will help. Also, are there unattractive people in this world because a sexy bus driver just asked this lady out. A sexy bus driver??
Oh damn! A stripper came in and started dancing (he didn’t bring any music but somehow music just started playing? Get your continuity together TP!) Blair Underwood shut it down and started smacking his girl around. I was wrong to be excited about Blair.
We have our first Madea sighting! In a bit of special effects mastery, Tyler Perry AND Madea are on screen at the same time. Truly amazing. Is it racist to say that they look like the same person?
Madea keeps beating children. Every scene she is beating another child. Why doesn’t anyone call social services?
Oh cool, Tyler Perry is also playing the old man married to Madea. Is there anything he can’t do?
Blair Underwood and his pencil mustache keep beating his girlfriend while the bus driver with a thick mustache is very sweet. Is this a social commentary?
The girl that Madea kept beating is doing really well in school now. That’s great advice; beat the stupid out of your kids!
So not only is Tyler Perry the two main characters, he also just swooped in without make-up to hit the game winning shot in the family basketball game. Is there anything he can’t script himself to do?
The family reunion isn’t going as planned so the 200-year-old grandma has come up with a solution; sing a song. It worked. Everyone is hugging. It’s a Christmas miracle!
Blair Underwood came back to beat to his girlfriend some more but guess what? Not in Madea’s house! He was beaten with a frying pan. What a beautiful day.
The bus driver is marrying the poor sister who looks like Lisa Leslie. How did they afford an extravagant wedding on a bus driver’s salary you ask? Oh, Blair Underwood paid for it because it was supposed to be his wedding and they just took over after it didn’t work out. Was Blair Underwood’s family confused as to why he wasn’t getting married? Did they take their gifts back? It doesn’t matter because everyone is happy. Hooray the end of the movie!
Next up is 'Madea’s Class Reunion.' This isn’t even a movie. This is a play. Kill me now.
If you thought the antics were wacky on film, wait until you get a load of TP and the crew on stage. Tyler Perry is a bellhop who plays by his own rules in this hotel full of hilarity.
A maid said, “Hey my daughter is a crackhead” so the lady at the front desk sang her a 4 minute song? Is that really helpful? I would say no.
Oh great, now the guy named Mr. Brown who looks like a turtle has shown up. The crowd is just losing it because he’s saying words wrong. I hate this so much. Why are all of his movies based on cross-dressing and the improper pronunciation of words?
Guess what happened? SOMEBODY CHEATED! Not only did this lady cheat, she’s so upset about it she’s going to sing a song. We’ve all been there haven’t we? The emotions hit such a high point we burst into song. I can relate.
Tyler Perry is now doing a Forrest Gump impression now in case you were curious if his characters could get any more obnoxious. This came out in 2005 so it was an 11-year-old reference at the time. Really blazing that comedy trail TP.
The maid with the crackhead daughter just got fired. I’m getting some tacos.
Everyone’s favorite character just showed up. That’s right, MADEA IS HERE! After trying to reserve a room her check bounced so she did the most hilarious thing possible: she pulled out a gun and fired at the hotel manager. Classic comedy.
More singing. This time the guy who got cheated on is singing about how sad it made him. I’m starting to feel the joy of life slip away from me.
Madea is handing out life lessons and I wish someone were handing out cyanide capsules. Oh great, just in time for another song.
I’m starting to suspect the old maid with a crackhead daughter may also be a man dressed as a woman. I can’t trust my own eyes. The walls are closing in on me.
Everyone in the movie is gaining self-respect and standing up to those who have held them down. They’re feeling so inspired that they decided to sing about it. Why not?
It’s over. Everyone is happy. I feel dead inside. Not to worry though, it’s time for…'Diary of a Mad Black Woman.'
We start out with a lovely couple but I suspect there’s something more going on. Could it be that the husband is cheating and abusive? Dare I make such an assumption?
Looks like I was right -- The guy from 'The Practice' is kicking out his wife because he’s got a Puerto Rican girlfriend and two kids. I bet she’s going to find a strong, wonderful man where she least expects it. Maybe the overly handsome U-Haul driver could help her realize how special she is while teaching her to love again?
She’s got no place left to go. Where do you go in that situation? MADEA’S HOUSE! It’s about to get wacky and fun up in here.
We have another crackhead relative. I’m sensing a formula to these movies. Here’s my equation:
Abused Woman – Abusing Man + Madea = Self-Revelation + Drug Abusing Relative – Drugs = Hooray. Everyone is happy. Collect a billion dollars at the box office.
The main girl occasionally starts talking like she is possessed by demonic forces. Not all the time but if she feels strongly about something she turns into this Emily Rose-type creature. It’s quite disturbing.
It’s another family cookout. We’ve got three different Tyler Perry characters going so it’s non-stop laughs. How does he do it? It has to be difficult to be that terrible in so many different ways.
You guys, the exact same thing is happening again. How did no one notice this? It feels like watching 'Groundhog Day' but with a lot more abuse and cross-dressing.
For the record I was right about the U-Haul driver. They’re totally falling in love despite his insistence on constantly dressing like a U-Haul operating gang member.
She’s officially in love with U-Haul guy and who can blame her? Everything is going great but there’s a twist -- Her ex just got shot and she’s going to take care of him. He’s in a coma and I couldn’t be more jealous right now.
She’s dumping U-Haul guy to go back to her terrible husband despite his change of bandana. It was blue. Now it’s red. The color of love.
There’s a montage of her husband’s rehabilitation. That must mean he’s better.
OK there’s a choir singing at church and crippled guy is crying, crackhead girl has reunited with her family. I can’t make fun of this because I kind of want to sing along.
Oh don’t worry, the moment was ruined as Tyler Perry said the blessing over dinner only to be interrupted by himself as Madea and himself as an old man. Thanks for bringing it all back down to earth, Tyler!
She kisses U-Haul guy and it’s over. Now it’s time for some real antics in the final movie: MADEA GOES TO JAIL!
It’s been nearly six hours of Tyler Perry and sadness is filling my lungs.
All the great characters are back for this one; guy who looks like a turtle, lady who sings in every movie, prostitute and/or crackhead, Tyler Perry, Tyler Perry, Tyler Perry, and many more.
We’re getting a touching story of an attorney who falls in love with an obnoxious prostitute despite being engaged to a fellow attorney. Sounds like the right career move and STD move.
There’s another stupid party. Forty percent of every Tyler Perry movie is a house party at Madea’s house. Madea got a gun and started firing it to get everyone to leave. I am truly terrified.
I don’t know if you’re ready for the amount of comedy that is gracing my screen right now. Are you ready for this? IT’S MADEA AND DR. PHIL! If you heard this dialogue you would weep for future generations. It actually hurts.
This writing is horrible. I am actually feeling depressed.
There was some stupid scene where Madea moved a car with a forklift. It’s probably the most realistic thing I've seen all day.
This actually happened: the crackhead prostitute girl was having withdrawals and the attorney was trying to help her calm down. His girlfriend actually said “You’ve never done that for me before!” Have you ever been jealous of someone going through drug withdrawals? That seems reasonable.
Madea was just arrested by a SWAT team. Who cares anymore. Nothing matters.
Another amazing celebrity cameo, this time it’s Judge Mathis. Why would anyone care?
I’m losing sight of the outside world. Someone just called me and I answered “Hellerrr?” There’s an hour left. At least Lance Armstrong did drugs to get through his grueling endeavors.
Like a spring in the desert Sofia Vergara just made a cameo. This may give me the strength I need to make it through.
Madea is up to her antics again, solving every problem with violence. I wish someone would punch me. This is awful.
Another failed wedding, gang. As the attorney walked down the aisle he announced to everyone that his bride-to-be was a shady attorney. Maybe you should have had this conversation before the ceremony? He runs straight from the church to the prison where he declares his love for the prostitute. What could ever go wrong with that?
The daytime television cameos are fast and furious. Steve Harvey popped in, some radio personalities that I should probably recognize, the women of 'The View.' Everyone wants to be a part of the Madea series and who could blame them. This is the type of thing you’d want to share with your grandchildren.
Great news, Madea and the prostitute are free from prison. Praise God! I’ve never been so happy for a movie to end. It’s been 8 hours of cross-dressing Tyler Perry. Don’t attempt this yourself, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Hug your family. Plant a tree. Choose happiness. I’m going to sleep.
Rob Fee is a writer and comedian best known for writing and telling jokes. You can follow him on Twitter to read more of these jokes or go to Del Taco. He’s probably there.