This guy can rest in peace while the rest of us laugh.

Elwood "Buddy" Segeske III passed away last month at the age of 60 and glided to the next world with an obituary that's just as fantastic as his name.

The obit catches your attention right from the get-go and never lets go of its stranglehold on your eyeballs:

Elwood "Buddy" Segeske III, age 60, former soccer player, tool and die maker, and David Bowie look-alike, ate his last Philadelphia soft pretzel on February 25th, 2016. His death followed a week-long battle with torso failure and the lasting effects of a 1992 alien abduction.

That's merely the beginning of an obit that is so relentless in its creativity and honesty it should be optioned into the next great Hollywood trilogy. With references to a classic '90s sitcom and one of Tinseltown's hottest leading ladies, it'd be a perfect fit:

Buddy was raised on the mean streets of Kensington, where he claimed the men were men, and so were half the women. He spoke fondly of his childhood friends and those who didn't end up in prison went on to become carnies, bottle cleaners, master debaters and/or Republicans.

Buddy says he cried the first time he made love, although it was probably due to the pepper spray.

Buddy also had a habit of hanging onto business cards, which made his wallet thicker than George Costanza's and ultimately required him to undergo back surgery.

He was most proud of his years playing soccer, his near-perfect recall of Beatles song lyrics and his ability to hit the urinal cake with pinpoint accuracy.

He also loved playing pool, fishing, stalking Jennifer Lawrence and looking at boobs.
He will be remembered for his contagious smile, sparkling blue eyes, gentle heart and inappropriate sense of humor.

RIP, Buddy. We didn't even know you, but we're definitely going to miss you.