Name: Nightmare Neil

Location: Wherever his Dept. of Corrections GPS ankle bracelet says he is.

Occupation: Life-ruiner, body model for maternity clothing catalogs.

Spend His Free Time: Making sure the shades are drawn. Tightly.

Hobbies: Showin' off the goods, bringin' home the bacon. (Bacon, in this case, refers to dismembered bodies.)

Skills: Can fix just about anything that breaks on his windowless van.

6 Things He Can’t Live Without: Lycra, blackout shades, stage-grade face paint, his boot collection, foam, and a good lawyer.

His Motto: "I'm gonna gitcha!"

HEY, GUYS! This is not a real profile. It was made up for the sheer entertainment that comes from browsing through pictures of, well, hot messes. BTW! If you or someone you know should be one of our Hot Messes of the Day, send us a quick email at jackie [@] guyspeed.com.