To the untrained eye, the geriatric world may seem like one full of applesauce dinners, clabber tournaments and bulky adult diapers, but it's also a lustful society of seniors looking to get their wrinkled balls-a-bouncing on nearly anything that moves.

While it may be a relatively good idea to remain perfectly still while in the presence of elderly sexual frustrations, one nursing home has enlisted the help of some local prostitutes to help keep all that well-aged testosterone from dry-humping the facility to the ground.

Chaseley nursing home in Eastbourne, Sussex knows exactly what happens if their patient’s sexual needs are not adhered to: they start trying to bone the staff members. To keep all of the caregivers at ease, the facility recently decided to hire a group of hookers to come in on a weekly basis and disengage all of the loaded, antique guns.

“We use a private consultant who arranges everything. They are an independent person who works in the home. She puts people in touch with people,” says the intentionally-vague Chaseley nursing home manager, Sue Wyatt. “We respect our residents as individuals so that’s why we help this to happen.”

To make sure none of the patient’s nasty business is disturbed, staff members put a “special red sock” on their door handle to let everyone know not to come a-knockin'. However, the staff is still required to check in on the patients every 15 minutes, to make sure they are still breathing, and stuff.

Staff members say that their patients have earned the right to have these “special visits” while in their care; however, members of the county council are concerned that these activities may teeter along the lines of abusive and exploitatious behavior.

We doubt any of the old timers are complaining – aside from making poontang readily available, the Chaseley also brings in local strippers to perform “special shows” for the residents. Dang! This place redefines the phrase “the cause and the cure.”