13 Reasons Winter Isn’t So Bad
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you suffered from “seasonal affective disorder.” Where I come from, we call it “whining ninny disease.”I mean really. Winter got you down so bad you actually bought one of those sun lamps? Come on. Pull up your panties, man. It ain’t so bad.
Listen: Winter, while admittedly not as good as summer, and nowhere near as good as fall and spring, has it’s charms. Do I need to list them? Because I swear, I’m going to list them if you don’t … all right, that’s it. I’m listing them.
1) Leggings and a chunky sweater on a gorgeous woman is sexier than the same woman in a bikini. Imagination. Use it.
2) Ice skating: Great aerobic activity, great way to meet people, great way to “accidentally” slam into that dude over there, the dude with backwards skating thing going on and the goosedown jacket. I hate that guy. He’s a douche.
3) Your dog doesn’t pant on his walks, looking like he’s going to drop dead right there.
4) Chicken soup. Can we talk about chicken soup for a second? Wholly underrated. Chicken soup is just perfect winter food. And I’m not talking canned crap; I’m talking real soup. Don’t know how to make a soup? Here’s how. Get a pot. Fill it with water. Buy a chicken (dead). Clean the chicken out. Roast the chicken. (Yep. Roast it first. That’s my secret.) Throw chicken in pot. Boil water. Throw just about anything else in pot, from noodles to spices to vegetables. Reduce. Add water. Reduce. Add water. Slurp. Not that hard.
5) I’m going back to the leggings and chunky sweater thing for a second. Just picture it. Picture Beyonce in that get-up. Not too shabby, eh? OK. Let’s keep this train moving.
6) Snuggling. Yeah, I said it. Snuggling. I know it’s not usually high on the list of “things to do,” but for real: You’re cold. She’s cold. Get the snuggle thing going on, no one is so cold anymore.
7) Football, on general principle. Better to watch it when it’s cold outside, as you don’t feel as sloth-like as you might when watching the games in September.
8) Baseball spring training starts in the winter too, you know. Just a little FYI.
9) At the risk of sounding wolf-like, women are a little more vulnerable from New Year’s Eve right on through the day before Valentine’s Day. Use this information as you see fit, but don’t be a jerk about it.
10) Watching women shop for bikinis at Target in January. Because that’s when the bikinis hit the racks. And I don’t mean “sit there and watch them finger the string bikinis like you’re some kind of perv,” I mean “just glance over and watch them finger the string bikinis just for a moment.” A little class, man, a little class.
11) Fireplaces. And not the gas stuff; real wood fireplaces. Get down with your primordial self.
12) That moment in February, when it’s a real sunny day with temps in the low 40s, and you step outside for lunch and feel the slightest bit of heat on your face, and instead of getting in your car and driving to a fast food restaurant, you instead lean against your driver’s side door, chin up, face to the sun, feeling our mother star nurture you with sweet, sweet Vitamin D, knowing that soon, real soon, you’ll be back on the beach.
13) Knowing that spring is just around the corner, and those leggings and chunky sweaters are going to give way to sundresses and strappy sandals, because, yeah, well, even in my most “winter isn’t so bad” moments, nothing in this world compares to sundress and sandal season. Nothing.
All right fine. Winter sucks. Deal with it. Shut up. It’s almost over anyway. Chunky sweaters. If I see one more chunky sweater I swear I’m going to crack. Every woman I know looks like she belongs on a wharf somewhere.
J.D. Stedel is a freelance writer based in New Jersey and is just as bad as Samuel L. Jackson (in his own mind).