Name: Tommy Two-Tone

Location: Newark, NJ

Occupation: Professional leather sofa-impersonator, cab driver.

Hobbies: Getting spray-tans with a bag over his head, olympic weight lifting, smirking triumphantly.

5 Things He Can’t Live Without: Self-tanner for touch-ups, his Criterion Collection copy of 'The Incredibles' on DVD, The Paleo Diet Cookbook, a sharp razor, and a good strong watch-tan line.

Skills: Carbo-loading, winning games of hide and seek at Wilson Leather, and karaoke.

His Motto: “Tommy Two-Tone will take you to town!" (His cab company's slogan)

HEY, GUYS! This is not a real profile. It was made up for the sheer entertainment that comes from browsing through pictures of, well, hot messes. BTW! If you or someone you know should be one of our Hot Messes of the Day, send us a quick email at jackie [@] guyspeed.com.