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You Shouldn’t Sleep With Your Girlfriend Anymore – Here Are Five Reasons Why [Half a Man]

Bert and Ernie in Bed
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I’m a firm believer that couples should share everything — except a bed. Unfortunately, I’m in the minority.

Casually mention to a friend that you and your wife or girlfriend sleep in different beds and the friend will ask, “who cheated?” and assume marital issues. There is a stigma about couples who sleep in separate beds.

The eagerness to sleep in a separate bed has little to do with infidelity or hatred of partner or wanting more leg room to “fist the mister” while she sleeps. It’s about just wanting to get enough shut-eye to not feel like crap the next day.

Do you know why your grandparents were married for half a century? They spent the majority of that time sleeping in separate beds, sometimes in completely different rooms. Pop Pop also drank himself comatose in a recliner but you’d do the same if married to your grandmother.

There are countless studies about the importance of sleep. Chronic sleep loss can contribute to numerous health problems such as weight gain, high blood pressure and a decrease in the immune system. but when it comes to getting significant rest, the world ignores the facts and adheres to old school rules about bunking next to a partner.

Men and women should sleep apart. Here are five reasons why:


It will get you laid

 
 

When was the last time you had sex with your girlfriend or wife? You ran out of fingers to count? Sleeping in the same bed kills intimacy. The last time you did have sex, where did it start? In the laundry room? In the kitchen? On the couch during a particularly arousing episode of ‘Duck Dynasty’? I’ll guess it started anywhere besides your bed. Separate sleeping spaces bring a little bit more excitement to the menu. "Where do you want to have sex tonight baby? Your bed? Oh, you whore!"

Just mentioning the idea of separate beds will get you laid. Well first it will get you the third degree about cheating, a few tears because she thinks you don’t love her anymore, and possibly a couple curses because you’re an inconsiderate ass who wants to sleep separately instead of “working on us,” but if you can survive all that, you’ll probably get a “everything is fine with us, let’s screw” just for bringing up the whole idea.

 

Screw style -- it’s about comfort

 
 

Women think of style first, and comfort second, when it comes to the bedroom. It’s a bed, not a Pottery Barn catalog shoot! She doesn’t care if the comforter is so thick it could double as a landing spot for trapeze artists just that it matches the forty-seven throw pillows AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS!

Your own bed means your own sleep essentials – the right pillow, the perfect thickness in bed cover (sometimes no covers at all) and the broken-in ‘Rugrats’ sheets from college -- complete with pee stains all over Tommy’s face. It was a rough Senior year and pee doesn’t wash out that easy.

 

You and her live different lives

 
 

Very few couples are on the exact same schedule. He gets up early and she gets an hour later or he’s still unemployed while she’s up putting on her face for the day. If one wakes up first, the other feels the disturbance in the sleep situation, and naturally wakes up. If you don’t feel the other person waking up, contorting for the alarm and audibly groaning about another crap day at work, you won’t wake up.

Of course, you still have to contend with the sound of the industrial-sized hair dryer but after a while that will become like white noise. Does that thing influence the tides?

 

You’re waking each other up

 
 

Her snoring. Your farting. Her freezing feet. Your farting. We’re not exactly silent creatures during sleep. If you constantly wake up in the middle of the night it’s probably thanks to the sleeping habits of your partner. How can you get eight hours of sleep if every other hour an elbow catches you in the rib cage? Keep the sounds at a distance in a different bed. If she figures out a way to elbow you across the room, get her signed up for MMA.

 

The day (or fight) will finally end

 
 

Imagine a boxing match or the main event on an MMA card. The two combatants spend about three minutes knocking the piss out of one another, the bell rings, and both competitors sit in the same corner – sharing a stool – until the next round.

This is exactly what happens when couples fight except not as many knees to the face. Separate beds allow people to cool off and not continue the argument until someone (he) falls asleep first. This also goes for discussions about money, kids, family and the final season of ‘Breaking Bad’ – all heavy topics that shouldn’t be kibitzed about while trying to get some rest. Separate beds mean you both have to save the discussion until breakfast.

Would you ever consider sleeping in a different bed than your partner? Do you already? Let me know in the comments.

 

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