5 New Year’s Resolutions You’d Be Insane to Make

You know the drill: with the new year, it’s time to make some changes to make a new you. A better you. Making New Year’s resolutions is as time-honored a tradition as breaking New Year’s resolutions, which is why we suggest you skip the whole charade altogether.

Like the day-old New York strip steak at Golden Corral, here are five resolutions you should avoid at all costs:

WORK OUT

This is the stereotypical one everyone makes. Join a gym, eat better, walk instead of drive. You pledge to become a modern-day Jack LaLanne, but, come on, why pretend you’re going to chisel your body into some sort of shape other than a kickball? For heaven’s sake, New Year’s Day is littered with college football games, giving you the chance to become a couch potato only a few short hours after you gobbled up several glasses of champagne and pigs in a blanket. No pain, no gain? No problem. Pass the Cheetos, please.

ORGANIZE

Look, you’re a big boy now. Your mommy isn’t shouting at you from the top of the stairs to clean your room (and if she is, then your resolution should be to move out), so there’s no need to become some sort of self-appointed rep from California Closets. Let the mess flow. If you can’t find that hot chick’s number, it’s okay. Odds are it was fake, anyway.

READ

If you’re planning to work out and organize, then you are already behind the eight-ball when it comes to hunkering down with the some literary masterpiece because you just don’t have a lot of time. The truth is we are all too busy reading already -- reading emails, reading texts, reading very important Facebook status updates, reading witty tweets, reading the bottom line on ESPN. There’s just not enough time. So, read this: we’re done sounding out words for entertainment purposes and will do so only when necessary.

CURB YOUR LIQUOR INTAKE

Who in their right – read: non-sober – mind would even think of this? Yes, you get a little out of control when you down one too many drinks, but instead of cutting down on scotch and soda, why not just cut down on the soda, instead? It’s loaded with sugar and makes you pack on the pounds. Plus, when you drink you’re a lot more fun. Don’t deny it. That’s a fact we’re waiting for the Journal of Awesome Discoveries to verify.

GET A NEW JOB

You hide in your little cubicle like an extra from ‘Office Space,’ but often think about quitting and traveling. Bad idea, de Gama. While kissing our career to the curb in exchange for a life of European backpacking sounds exciting, the reality is we need steady income to pay those evil bills and health benefits to cover our Xanax. So, keep on top of those TPS reports and face facts: the only real traveling you’ll be doing is to the water cooler from your chair, while checking the clock to see how long before it’s 5:00.