Special Features
P is For Painted Faces — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
It’s pretty easy to tell who splurged for the actual face paint, and who used a tube of old green paint and a bottle of glitter they found in their junk drawer.
Whatever you choose, plan ahead: sweat melts most paint, and your shamrocks might start to look a little weepy by the end of the night...
Y is for Yawning Bartenders — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
If Friday night is amateur night at the bar, then St. Patrick’s day is open mic night; anyone is allowed to perform, and it usually ain't pretty.
This gets pretty old for bartenders, especially because those folks are usually bad tippers...
X is for X-Ray Vision Goggles — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
Though they’re not at all related to the holiday, St. Patrick’s Day seems to bring out the goofy props in everyone’s collection, so you’ll no doubt find a couple of bozos wearing some “funny” x-ray glasses, or "hilarious" boob googles...
C is for Car Bombs — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
We're not sure who decided it was okay to name a drink something this offensive, or how such an abhorrent combination of liquors became so popular, but alas.
It's easy to spot a Car Bomb drinker -- they're the same folks who can be heard shouting "4 Jag-UH bombs...
D is for Dyed Food — St Patrick’s Day A-Z
One of the most magical things about St. Patrick's Day is that it's the one day of the year where foods can be dyed green and still seem perfectly edible -- we would eat the hell out of this bacon.
Hell, on St. Patrick's Day we'll even eat the green potato chip in the bag...
F is for Fat Jolly Dudes — St Patrick’s Day A-Z
We love a good beer belly on an old dude, and there’s no better day to witness them en-masse than on St. Pat’s Day. There’s something about a belly laugh from a man in a tightly stretched Ireland T-Shirt that really makes us feel like everything is going to be okay...
H is for Honorary Irish People — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
Alright, so this guy has a weird facial expression, and this is kind of a lame shirt, but in general we love and appreciate these people.
Don’t diss them for being front-runners and dressing up in Irish-themed gear; they just want to be a part of the excitement...
U is for Underwear Swingers — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
We’re not even sure how it happens -- we never even see the drawers come off -- but it’s a safe bet that where there’s green booze, someone will eventually be dancing and swinging their panties over her head.
Little known fact: This is an ancient Irish custom used to air out drawers, in the days before washing machines...
Z is for Zygote — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
A zygote is the initial cell formed when two gamete cells are joined by means of sexual reproduction.
SO WRAP IT UP ON ST. PAT'S OR NEXT YEAR YOU'RE PUSHING A STROLLER AT THE PARADE!
(Note: We know this isn't a picture of a baby, but there's a leprechaun, and that's good luck...
O is for Obnoxiously Loud Drunks — St. Patrick’s A-Z
There’s nothing like the combination of alcohol and heritage pride to really get those vocal chords workin’ overtime. Just about anything deserves a shriek and a cheer on St. Patrick’s Day, and the later the hour, the louder the howl.
T is for Twitter Hashtags — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
Wow, what a lame shirt. We don’t even know if this is true, but we’re assuming that on Sunday Twitter will blow up with hashtags like #IrishPride or #ThankIrishImGod, or whatever.
Here are few new ones we’d like to propose for the 2013 holiday, which might inspire you to make it a memorable one: #LeprechaunBoobs , #GreenBeerIsStillGreenComingBackUp and #WhatStateDidiJustWakeUpIn...
B is for Bar Transformations — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
Is the sports bar on your block owned by an old Russian dude? No matter; on St. Patrick’s Day, every watering hole is an Irish pub. It doesn’t take much to bring in the crowds: a couple shamrock signs and some specials on Guinness will do the trick...
M is for Miserable Green Pets — St Patrick’s Day A-Z
Why is this a thing? Not only does it seem mean to subject a dog to the chemicals in dye at all, but the color never really seems to “take,” and they usually end up looking like that bottle blonde chick from swim team who always reeked of chlorine and had a slightly green tint to her hair...
J is for Jaywalkers — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
Ah, jaywalking; one of many minor offenses that might lead to bigger problems when you're hammered, either because the cops are out in full force, or because of getting struck by a car and dying. Be careful out there, dudes.
Also, be careful of random drunks jaywalking because they think they don't have to follow traffic laws, or that cars will bounce off of them...
W is for Wayward Partiers — St. Patrick’s Day A-Z
Those who start earliest are usually the first to drop – sometimes right on the street where they stand...or on top of a car, with a whale tail.
It’s not uncommon on St. Pat’s to find a few sidewalk sleepers – check for breathing and keep on moving; this is not a good time to make a new friend...
I is for Ice — St Patrick’s Day A-Z
St Patrick's Day is a pretty intense holiday that demands some thinking ahead. Before you begin your partying, we recommend filling the ice trays in your freezer, and making sure you've got plenty of aspirin. You're gonna need that ice to numb the pain of your aching head tomorrow, not to mention your sore/bruised/compound fractured bones...