‘Expendables 2′ Cast — 10 Actors We Wanted in the Sequel
‘The Expendables 2‘ has yet to open — it stumbles into theaters Aug. 17 — but it’s not too early to start dreaming of cast additions for the inevitable third leg of the trilogy. Heck, it’s not too early to start wishing for people to appear in the sequel. Even though we didn’t much care for the ‘The Expendables,’ we’re still psyched to see ancient action heroes of our youth band together for incomprehensible explosion-fests in ‘Expendables 2.’
Here’s our list of hopefuls to make at least a cameo appearance in ‘The Expendables 2′ — or at least make the short list of possible stars to make it into the inevitable third installment.
10. Vin Diesel
The gravelly-voiced ‘Fast and Furious’ star is the overachiever of the group, having taken an amazingly quick route from action stud to forgettable washout. At 45 he’d pretty much be the baby of the group, but his all-personality/no acting ability skill set makes him fit right in. His agent needs to call Stallone up and trade favors to get the Diesel engine running again. Anything to keep him from making Disney movies or another Riddick.
9. Kevin Sorbo
Anyone who can play both Hercules and Krull has every bit of the range to rock out as an Expendable. The man deserves a break, having toiled away his prime on pre-HD TV, with his few movie credits wasted on direct-to-DVD ‘Walking Tall’ sequels and something called ‘Never Cry Werewolf.’ Sorbo’s got the goods, though. He’s big, blank-faced and taught you more about being a man when you were a kid than your dad.
8. Carl Weathers
Weathers gets in on the Dolph Lundgren Rule, which dictates that all of Rocky’s opponents get to show up in head-scratching cameos in Stallone’s later flicks. The artist formerly known as Apollo Creed rocked out as Arnold’s buddy in ‘Predator’ and headlined ‘Action Jackson’ before re-emerging from obscurity in a self-mocking role in ‘Happy Gilmore’ (1996) and slinking back quietly into the night. Weathers has got to be fuming that Lundgren, who killed him in the ring in ‘Rocky IV,’ taking his character out of the series, stole two ‘Expendables’ roles while he was left empty-gloved.
7. Sam J. Jones
Otherwise known as “guy who played Flash Gordon in the 80’s,” Jones was largely forgotten until he popped up again as the object of Mark Wahlberg and his talking teddy bear’s shared man-crush in ‘Ted.’ Playing himself in the recent movie, Jones turns in a veritable demo reel that shows how great he’d be in a new action flick. He’s got the sad, hopeless eyes, unfathomable bulk and stilted delivery it takes to fit right in with Stallone and crew.
6. Lucy Lawless
If any female deserves to crash this unrepentant sausagefest, it’s the warrior princess known as Xena. Blessed with spine-cracking thighs, bulging biceps and a bitter death stare that could melt iron, Lawless is the most forceful female brute since Lynda Carter (the 1970’s Wonder Woman, who, come to think of it, also belongs in ‘Expendables 2′), and no one’s really replaced her. Putting Lawless in the movie wouldn’t be a feminist affirmative action. She belongs and will break your face if you dare to argue.
5. Sean Connery
Sure, he’s retired from acting, pushing 82 and hasn’t showed up in a film in nearly a decade, but that’s why he’d be so great. Imagine a bitter, resentful Connery, stumbling around and slurring his lines like Marlon Brando in ‘The Island of Dr. Moreau.’ Connery would still pack that lovably pompous delivery, blue steel expression and Highlanders-style sense of immortality.
4. Hulk Hogan
Having been chewed up and spat out by the rasslin’ and reality show circuits, Hogan — another former Rocky opponent — has got to be burning to claw his way into the in-crowd of has-beens. He’d need to bring the bandana and tear-away shirt, and would make a phenomenal villain. Or he could always go the cross-dressing route like he did in ‘Mr. Nanny.’
3. Steven Seagal
We’re into the no-brainer echelon of would-be ‘Expendables’ now. The chunky, ponytail-toting Zen master belongs here, mostly for his defiant insistence that he’s still got what it takes to convincingly take out armies of masked men with whatever unmixed version of martial arts he ever allegedly learned. Looking like a lost Baldwin brother who inherited even less acting ability than Billy, Seagal was out of place in action flicks, even in his ‘Under Siege’ prime. It should help his cause that he’s kept in his out-of-shape shape by pumping out a direct-to-video embarrassment a three every year.
2. Jackie Chan
His prop-juggling slapstick antics could add the light touch the stiff series sorely needs. Sure, at age 58 he may be too old to wall-jump or back flip, but his goofy, gut-punching glee and tortured grasp on the English language no doubt remain. We’d like to see him throw down with ‘Expendables’ movie vet Jet Li, and our money would be on Jackie to win the sad yet hilarious war of attrition.
1. Mr. T
He passes every possible ‘Expendables’ litmus test. Fought Rocky? Check. Thrived on catch phrases? Check. Big in the 80’s but forgotten for the last 25 years? Check. The chains-wearing, mohawk-wearing, fool-pitying tornado of rage would make the perfect villain tandem, along with Hogan.
Just imagine a film-ending, bare-knuckles free-for-all melee with Stallone, Lundgren, Hogan and Mr. T. It would be just like Rocky 7, which we want Stallone to make after this one.