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Super Perv Nabbed Having Sex With a Van

Van
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You may love cars, but this guy really loves them.

Police in Dayton, Ohio arrested a man earlier this week for having sex with a van (maybe his girlfriend gave him a U-Haul pass?).

Remember that time in grade school you learned about prepositions? This is why that was important. Because this story would be a whole lot less strange if it was “sex IN a van” and not “sex WITH a van.” So, yes, prepositions matter and kudos to your teacher for enlightening you (we wish we could say the same about algebra, but that has yet to be relevant).

Cops responding to a call about a half-naked man swinging from a stop sign found Michael Henson, who — surprise! — appeared to be half in the bag (if not half in the carburetor).

According to WDTN, a witness told police “she saw Henson pull his shorts down and place his genitals in the front grill of the van that was parked on the street” before he fainted in the street.

And, if nothing else, this story gives us an excuse to post this classic:

Henson was charged with public indecency and somehow became even skeezier than any guy who actually drives a van.

It’s unclear what kind of van was the object of Henson’s lust, so let’s hope it was something that resembled the Mystery Machine or this other TV classic.

Henson is probably going to have a hard time showing his face anytime soon, especially at a car dealership, when he applies to be a parking valet or when he and his friends marvel at someone’s headlights, because there’s a good chance his buddies are referring to a woman and he’s fantasizing about the actual headlights on her car.

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