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People That Drink Decaf Can’t Be Trusted

Flickr / Orin Zebest

There is a box of decaffeinated K-cups in the office kitchen. Oh, yeah, look at us showing off. We own a Kuerig. Humble brag or just mentioning it in relation to this rant? You decide. I’ll await your decision while sipping this delicious Sumatra Blend that took .5 seconds to make.

Anyway, decaf, whole box. Well someone requested it! We don’t just order stuff in case company comes over. This is an office, not your aunt’s house. We don’t have an already made lasagna and we don’t have coffee should someone arrive unexpectedly. We do have a box of decaf, meaning someone in the office ordered it, meaning I don’t like one of my coworkers.

People that drink decaf are direct descendants of Fruit Loops cereal. Not adorable Toucan Sam, the actual cereal. The only reason humans drink coffee is for the caffeine. Decaf doesn’t have..oh, I’m not explaining it, it doesn’t have the only key ingredient important to drinking coffee. People that drink decaf only drink coffee for the taste, and if you drink coffee for the taste, you’ve either lost all your taste buds or you think AA batteries are delicious.

Coffee is ground up beanturds mixed with hot water. It doesn’t taste good until you add milk, sugar, a sugar substitute, alcohol or any combination of the aforementioned items. No one drinks coffee for the taste. It’s a lie. It’s a cover up. It’s a diversion from the fact that this person is stealing your magazine inserts or is about to read your mind for your ATM code. There goes all your hard earned money. Out the door with the person that thinks ground beans of endosperm is delightful. Coffee beans consist of endosperm. Truth. I saw it on one of the high cable stations.

I don’t trust decaf drinkers, meaning, I don’t trust someone in my office. I don’t know who it is, but damn it, I’m staying the hell away from him or her. I’m also never thinking about my ATM pass code again.  I’m closing my checking account and carrying all my money with me at all times. Taped to my crotch with decorative masking tape (it was on sale after Xmas, I got a bit overzealous).

Also, I’m canceling my Taste of Home subscription. Get your own inserts whoever you are!

In all seriousness, I love all my coworkers. I’m just saying that in case someone in management drinks decaf.

Chris Illuminati is the Managing Editor of He is going to rant every once in a while. You’ve been warned.

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