The greatest trick the Devil ever played? That time he bought a 'Cabbage Patch Doll' for the holidays, told the clerk it was for "his kid," but really, it was for his collection. What guy hasn't hasn't bought an awesome toy under the guise of "it's for a child" when really he is going to get much more enjoyment out of it.
Here are ten toys and gadgets hot for kids this holiday season that will probably never actually get played with by kids.
Oh, we're sorry, you want some CHILD to play a real life version of 'Angry Birds,' when they could knock out a tooth, or hit themselves in the eye? We'll take that off your hands, and make sure it's not, uh, dangerous.
Probably the only good thing to come out of the latest Bay-formers extravaganza is this over-sized Optimus Prime that is clearly too large for a child's tiny hands. Note: Rosie Huntington-Whiteley sold separately.
Get ready to stage epic WWE battles with this collapsible playset, all by your lonesome! If a kid near you wants to play, tell them how wrestling is fake, and they'll run away crying. If that doesn't work? Tell them about the time you suplexed Santa.
While everyone else is playing 'Skyrim,' MW3, and finishing up 'Arkham City,' you're going to be locked in your house with your special edition 'Zelda: Skyward Sword,' with gold Wiimote. You know, to test it for the kids in case there's objectionable content.
Yes, that's a Hot Wheels track that attaches to your wall. Yes, it's more important that this goes in your office for, you know, stress decompression time or whatever, than to a child who just won't appreciate it.
Alex Zalben is a freelance writer and comedian living in New York. He's written for MTV Geek, AMC, Nerve, UGO and more, as well as the original Marvel Comics' series 'Thor and the Warriors Four'. You can follow him on Twitter at @azalben.