What we know as the modern day strip club really started to gain popularity at the end of World War II, and ever since then the combination of booze and strippers has sort of become synonymous with post-Babylonian culture; a sexual haven for the common man who's looking for cheap thrills, a dollar at a time.
The reputation strip clubs have earned is due in part to their tendency toward controversy; they are often the target of litigation, a haven for organized crime and a plethora of other scandal. Drama breeds rapidly in whiskey conditions, and spawns both heretics and lunatics under strobe lights. Don't get us wrong, this is great; it provides us with a steady stream of seedy, bizzaro folklore. Here are ten of the craziest strip bar stories we've heard.
It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses His Legs
It never fails – there always seems to be a couple of d-bags hanging out at the local strip joint, looking to stir up trouble instead of doing what the rest of us are there to do – drink beer and watch naked women grind on a steel pole.
Sometimes these fools do nothing more than mad dog each other from across the room, but there are those rare events when those godless fiends seem to have more cujones than brains, and end up running each other down like wild animals, scattering body parts throughout the city streets.
That is exactly what went down recently outside Sam’s Hofbrau in downtown Los Angeles. Authorities say that a fight that started inside the club ended in disaster, after a drunken man by the name of Terrence Meeks used his BMW to run down a couple of Latino gentlemen in the parking lot – crushing them in between a Mini Cooper. Both men were transported to a local hospital where the medical staff had no choice but to amputate both of men’s legs.
Lap Dance Job Fair - No Experience Required
When the bottom dropped out of the economy in 2008, the owners of the Foxy Lady strip club in Rhode Island decided to hold a job fair to help stimulate the local job market. The club began to actively seek out more than 30 competent and qualified strippers, waitresses, disc jockeys and bartenders to start working at their Providence club, as well as two others they operate in Massachusetts.
Foxy Lady owner Tom Tsoumas said that he believed that, what with the economy resting firmly in between the farthouse walls, there might be some women out there that had not considered stripping in the past who were ready to show a little skin, in order to make ends meet. We remember what it was like in 2008 - some of us around here were seriously considering becoming career strippers, but they said our backs were too hairy.
Man Attacks Strip Club Patrons With Bear Spray
Strippers will leave you alone if you ask them nicely, so there's really no need to bring weapons with you. Strip clubs are a place of peace, you know?
Unfortunately, police say they were dispatched to The Penthouse strip club in Thorold, Ontario when a 21-year-old man decided to unleash a furious bear spray attack on nearly 10 club patrons. While it is not known exactly what happened to send him into a fit of rage with a concoction made to repel grizzlies, we suspect that it was likely a jealous outburst caused after someone motor boated his old lady's chest a tad longer than he thought they should. Rule number one, fellas: If you date a stripper, never, ever visit them at work. Trust us.
Bonus: watch this moron douse himself in the face with bear mace!
Strip Club Flu Shots
When you think strip clubs and needles, the last thing that probably pops into your mind are images of senior citizens getting their annual flu shot. However, every year around September, Rachel’s Gentlemen’s Club opens up the main stage to seniors and veterans, for just that. Instead of entertaining them with booze and T&A, they serve them a free lunch buffet and give them all flu shots. It’s the only time of year when pricks are the featured entertainment at this club, just north of Orlando, Florida. Ah, that explains it.
Man Uses Grandma’s ATM Card to Finance a Stripper Bender
A Florida man was recently arrested after authorities say he stole his grandmother’s ATM card to pay for a booze-fueled night at a local strip club. According to the police report, 22-year-old Bryan Keene swiped his grandmother’s debit card from her purse and withdrew over $2,000, with the intention of dropping it all on the evils of women and wine.
When authorities finally caught up with him, he confessed to stealing the card and visiting the ATM 7 times, in order to get enough cash to party at his favorite strip club. Incidentally, the man said he would have gladly used grandma's debit card to tip the strippers, but the Square app is not yet G-string friendly. Your move, Apple.
Strip Club Goat Invasion
Though the patrons can get a little wild, it's not too common to see actual wild animals roaming freely inside of strip joints. We'd wager that not even the most backwoods, farm-friendly American is equipped enough to handle the intensive shock of seeing a wild-eyed, psychopathic goat blasting their way through the front doors like wrecking ball – This goat obviously misunderstood the concept of a cover charge.
The owner of the Lynx Gentlemen’s Club says that he was surprised to learn about the presence of free-range goats in the vicinity of his newly purchased strip club in California, and even more surprised to find out that they are capable of doing so much damage - nearly $2,000 worth.
From our experience, if this goat would have torn through this strip club during mating season, at least two people would currently be undergoing some extensive therapy. Don't ask us why we know that.
If You Go to That Strip Club, You'll Go Blind
At the Hot Bodies strip club in Austin, Texas, a fierce brawl between seventeen strippers nearly rendered a man blind in one eye, after one of the girls unintentionally hit him in the face with one of her stilettos.
According to reports, Victoria Perez struck the man in the eye after a fight between the girls that started in the dressing room and spilled out into main area.
Unfortunately, he never saw it coming.
Lap Dances for Charity
In 2008 Marilyn’s on Monroe -- a fully-nude strip club in Toledo, Ohio -- raised nearly $1,000 for the earthquake victims in Haiti, by publicizing that all of the proceeds from their lap-dances would be donated to the International Services of Hope. However, while fully-nude is perfectly fine in Ohio, lap-dances are a big legal no-no, which is confusing.
Instead of breaking the law for a good cause, Marilyn's decided to donate all of the money they collected from the $10 cover charge.
Representatives from Marilyn's say they feel confident that they could have raised more money for the Haitian earthquake relief effort if the city would have allowed them to give lap-dances - we have some other money-making ideas too, but no one ever asks us.
Excuse me, Bambi - Will You Watch My Baby While I Visit Candi?
Most of us have been drunk enough at one time or another to run out of a strip club without first remembering to grab our credit card. It happens-- but how many are guilty of leaving without their kid? That's a trick question, you imbeciles - babies aren't allowed in strip clubs! However, someone forgot to pass that information along to this guy.
Police say 26-year-old Kenneth Rowe strolled into The Sharklounge, a combo liquor store and strip club (read: heaven), and asked the clerk if she would look after his baby for a few minutes, while he went over to check out the dancers. After about 15 minutes passed, the clerk contacted the authorities because she said the child looked hungry, and was a lousy tipper.
Rowe was arrested and charged with neglect, which could earn him five years in the pokey. Perhaps he will ask the judge to watch his kid, while he does the time?
Amputee Strippers Gotta Dance Somewhere
While we've never actually witnessed it with our own two eyes, it's a universal truth that amputee strippers gotta dance somewhere. The only way this scene could be any more frightening is if the dancers were clowns. Seriously, this scares the hell out of us.