‘How Do I Make a Female Friend My Girlfriend?’ — Ask Dr. Harry Fisch

For the past 8 years, Doug (27), has been best friends with a girl he has known since high school. They had dated very briefly back then but it didn’t work out. Now he’d like to try again—and maybe have sex—but every time he brings up the idea of a date, she laughs it off like it’s a joke. How can Doug turn his girl friend into his girlfriend?

Ask Dr. Harry Fisch’s advice:

There are two things that could be going on -- it could be that she’s just not romantically attracted to you. What are women attracted to? Women want guys who listen to them. You’re her best friend, so you probably already do that. She may feel insecure that she’ll lose you as a friend. Don’t threaten her, but you could make it clear that you’re not happy just being friends and she might lose you if she’s not willing to take it to the next level.

On the other hand, maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe she is attracted to you but there’s some issue from her past preventing her from acting on your obvious attraction to her. Many women have had bad sexual experiences that have turned them off to sex. You’ve got to ask her, has she had problems with sex in the past? She may literally love you precisely because you’re not having sex. She may have had a traumatic sexual experience. You need to talk to her about this.

You’ve got to find out how to make her feel more sexually comfortable with you. You can tell her that your relationship can withstand a sexual aspect if everything else is going well.

Dr. Harry Fisch is a board certified urologist at New York Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Medical College of Cornell University.