You’ve spent the last two months agonizing over what to get your woman for Christmas, and now you’re ready for the big day. Good work. But, if you’re spending the holiday with her family, have you thought of what you’ll get them?

Girlfriends are one thing … families are completely different. First of all, the things they need have no bearing whatsoever on the things you should get for them. Second, you can’t think of them as friends or peers. For example, the gifts you would buy female friends are hardly ever the gifts you should buy for your future sister-in-law. Unless she specifically asks for a 'Condom of the Month Club' membership renewal. Same rules applies for the males.

Tread lightly and, for the sake of all things you can’t take back, think this through. To help you, here are the worst possible things you could give her family for Christmas.

Hammacher Schlemmer ear/nose hair trimmer

Her Dad: Hammacher Schlemmer Ear/Nose Hair Trimmer. It’s small, efficient, lightweight and HS thinks it’s their best. And, yes, he may need one, but no matter how much his nose and ears resemble the head of a troll doll, this is not the kind of gift you can give dear old possibly Dad-in-Law. As far as you know, he’s perfectly groomed.

Victoria's Secret Swarovski embellished bra

Her Mom: Victoria’s Secret Swarovski Embellished Bra. It’ll seem right to go fancy and showy and shell out some dough for a sophisticated lady, but no. Just no. Nothing from VS for her mom. It may seem like a nice gift, even if it's assuming, but the thought on everyone's head will be "he went into a lingerie store with her mom in mind."

Shake Weight

Older Sister: The Shake Weight. Maybe sis has got a touch of the flab. Maybe the ripple effect of her walking across the room is enough to loosen your fillings. Forget it. This is not something you should ever pretend to notice. This handy piece of exercise equipment, while useful,fun and slightly erotic is not an appropriate gift for sis-zilla.

Beretta A400 Xtreme Shot Gun

Older Brother:shot gun.  The world is going to end next year (if her family is Mayan) and it'll be every man for himself buteven if he’s outdoorsy or a hunting enthusiast, never ever EVER get your girlfriend’s older brother a shotgun. Unless you plan on being faithful forever or you run really fast.

boudoir photography by LuxeMod

Younger Sister: Glamorous Boudoir Photography. It’s the kind of gift that makes every girl feel beautiful. And, yes, she’s younger in better shape and super cute but all things you should never notice about her. Perhaps someone should get to see some steamy photos of her, but that someone is not you, unless you two are Facebook friends. If that's the case, they just end up in your feed, and what are you going to do UNFRIEND HER??

Playboy 2012 calendar

Younger Brother: 2012 Playboy 'Justification for Higher Education' Wall Calendar. Sure, he’s gotta learn sometime, and every school kid needs to know what day it is, but you will not be his teacher. At least not in front of her family. Do not be tempted to pass the torch of your love for all things Bunny. Keep the torch and get him a Simpsons calendar instead. Save this treasure for yourself.

Squeaker Mat toys

The Dog:Squeaker Mat. Of course it would be great if Fluffy stopped chewing on your shoes. And, yes, Fluffy does love a good squeaky toy. And these squeaker mats satisfy the curious hunter in every pooch. But, do not get Fluffy this toy that contains not one, but twelve squeakers.

cat with lion cut

The Cat: A Lion Cut. We don’t care what you’ve been told, no self-respecting cat wants to be shaved like this. And most likely, no one in the family will appreciate the gift, with the possible exception of Fluffy the dog.


Grandpa and Grandma: Pre-Registered Burial Plot and Engraved Marble Memorial Tombstone. We all know the grandparents are on their way out, and we all know they appreciate a dollar well-spent, but registering a burial plot for the octogenarians or picking out a tombstone will be a major bummer on Christmas morning. Besides, it’s possible they got a discount on those the last time they renewed their subscription to 'Largest Print Reader’s Digest.'

Kathy Landin is a freelance internet pop-culture junkie and web video producer. She's blogged for TV stations, anonymous dating adventures and stupid advice columns but mostly she entertains herself by practicing the fine art of idiocy, which you can watch here.

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