Let’s All Calm Down When It Comes to Foul Balls [OPINION]

The average major league baseball game is a boring affair, even for the hardcore fans that diddle themselves over Bill James' books.

A couple of home runs, and possibly a dazzling play aside, the nine innings are usually spent by the typical ticket buyer getting just the right angle on an butt crack pic of the chick sporting the jersey of [insert name of attractive player who's sales to fans with vaginas is through the roof even though he's hitting an unattractive .237.]  A couple over-priced beers later and fans are sitting in traffic listening to the last few innings of the game they left early to avoid traffic.

For the MLB faithful, who pay good money to watch grown men use a piece of wood to slap around a rawhide ball, the most exciting moments in a big league ballpark may begin on the field, but end in the stands with: The foul ball. Meaningless, since the ball is out of play, the action moves to the crowd, where countless people with zero athletic ability attempt to grab a pointless souvenir away from complete strangers.

Everyone, in every stadium across the United States (including that fart box in Canada), needs to calm the hell down about foul balls.

Baseball brags about its unwritten rules and the integrity of players who police one another on the field, so I'm proposing a little policing of our own in the stands in the matter of balls hit into the field of non-play. I like to call it the "Three P's of Foul Ball Procedure," because for some reason they all start with P (which was just an odd coincidence).

Proximity

If you're in those seats under the possible path of a foul ball, pick your course of action immediately, and do not waver. Either go after the ball, or sit the hell down and let the other lunatics try their luck. Unless, of course, you're in the area directly underneath the ball. Now you've got no choice in the matter, you've got to catch it. Put your hands in the air, go for the ball, and hope it doesn't crack you in the skull to the delight of internet trolls and highlight reels for years to come.

Poise

Unless it's a screaming line drive, it's pretty easy to determine where a ball is going to land. It's simple physics (or something science-based, but I'll just say physics because I don't really give a crap and physics sounds right.) If the ball is going to land at least a row away from your seat, sit your fat rump down. Don't lean over your seat or push people aside to get closer. Don't move from the spot you've been crop dusting for the past few innings.

If you're scared, or you've got about $80 worth of food and beverages on your lap, just stay seated. Don't let good food and drink hit the ground to take a shot at strung together piece of leather that's got more dong sweat on it than Lisa Ann after a day on set. Seriously, watch how many times the average player touches his balls, picks his nose or digs in his ass on a 90+ degree day and then doctors up the ball with his personal juices. Now, multiply that by two 25-man rosters and think about it the next time some rube kisses a foul or home run ball because the TV cameras are rolling.

Purpose

In the moments leading up to the landing of the stitched ship, ask yourself "what am I going to do if I catch this thing?" If you're with a child, or a child is anywhere near your seat, the ball automatically goes to the kid. Even if he isn't related to you. Even if he spent the last few innings being an insufferable little turd. The kid gets the ball. If you don't give the kid the ball, the fans in the surrounding area are allowed to verbally assault you and your mother (who probably isn't in attendance) until you give the kid the ball.

Seriously, what the hell are you going to do with it anyway? Bore friends and family with the story for years to come? Yes, please, we want to hear the story again about how Jason Heyward fouled an 0-2 pitch into the stands during a game in April and suddenly the stands turned into the raid on Bin Laden's bunker. Only you give a crap about your story. Give it to the kid, so he doesn't grow up to be a snatch like the guy sitting next to him who won't give him a dumb foul ball.

That's it. Nothing too hard, elaborate or out of the ordinary -- just a few simple rules to ensure fans all act accordingly in those brief moments when the ball reaches the stands. Now, look sharp, the cameraman is coming your way and you've got some dancing to do.