Have Yourself a Sexy Little Christmas — The [Fairer Se]X Files

We're past that old stigma about vibrators, aren't we fellas? I'm asking you, mostly. Us dames have pretty much always been fans. 

So look: if you are not currently employing the use of sex toys in your life, you are missing the hell out. Let me explain: You know how we women have this annoying habit of turning everything you do and say into a secret message? It's not always a bad thing. When you introduce a toy into the bedroom, the message you send to us is: I am very interested in your sexual pleasure, and also I am confident and also I BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT. We love all of those messages.

Is the hesitation because some of them look too much like your junk? Take it as a compliment; we like the merchandise. Plus, we're not pissed about the Fleshlight! (Seriously we aren't, we want to watch it happen, mostly.) However much fun the Fleshlight may be (is it? tell me!) we are not trying to replace you with a piece of machinery, promise.

Look, I'm a giver. Because of my selfless desire to help, I reached out to some authorities on sex toys and asked them, for the good of all man kind, to send me a bunch of their favorite toys for me to try out before I telI you what to buy for you and your special lady. I just want to make sure I'm giving you good advice, you see.

I've learned a lot. I learned that getting a couriered package of very indiscreetly packaged sex toys delivered to the office is an express train to embarrassment town. I also learned that a month of dating someone is a long enough waiting period before asking someone to be your 'research assistant.' (Okay, that's probably okay on the first date from where you're sitting, but it brings up an important point: Using sex toys with your partner helps to build intimacy. Here's the secret about that word: it sounds clinical, but it's just fancy talk for awesome sex.)

Most importantly, perhaps,  i learned that my job rules.

I've separated each winner into it's own category; from novice to seasoned pro, solo fun to couples play, there's something for everyone here.

(Note: I did not review any sex toys that use disposable batteries. Why? Because they are never, ever awesome.)

Best First Sex Toy: We-Vibe Touch

PRICE: $89.99

THOUGHTS: Behind every seasoned toy enthusiast, there is someone to thank. Unfortunately, in most social circles (except the one I'm in, because I get to talk about this stuff all day long and call it work) it is not really acceptable to publicly thank them. (Thanks,  Cosmo magazine editor from the mid-90s!) If I'm the person introducing you, you're welcome, we can pretend this never happened. If you're the lucky man who gets to introduce your babe, then the Touch is the perfect way to do it. Unassuming and friendly looking, the Touch packs a powerful and "satisfying rumble." It's great for solo play, but also really fun for couples. Waterproof and quickly recharging, this toy is also made of 100% medical-grade platinum silicone, and environmentally friendly. You know, for those chicks who never stop yapping about the environment. This will definitely help her chill out.

Best Couples Toy: We-Vibe 3

PRICE: $139

THOUGHTS: Though almost any vibrator can be used during sex, this was my first "couples" vibrator. That means is meant to be worn during sex, and offers stimulation for both partners. I was skeptical, but it is really fun! Best of all, the newest model of the WeVibe includes a remote for hands-free control for up to 10 feet, so you're not reaching down in-between you to adjust speed or intensity. Remotes are also a great way to experiment with sub/dom play -- giving up control (or taking it) can be really fun! The We-Vibe is also discrete -- it comes with a covered charging station, and doesn't even really look like a sex toy, if you forget to put it away before your mom comes over for dinner.

WHO IT'S FOR: Pretty much everyone! It's small size and adjustable strength make this a versatile vibe that can also operate as a solo toy. The WeVibe3 is definitely not going to disappoint. If your babe is someone who requires pretty intense stimulation, there may be better choices for a solo toy below, but rest assured: it packs a punch.

DEAL: Until midnight 12/12, save up to $50 off of your order at Babeland.com and receive free shipping on anything over $99, and starting tomorrow receive $25 off of any orders over $125, with free shipping.

Best Remote Control Toy: OhMiBod Club Vibe 2.OH

PRICE: $79 

THOUGHTS: They shouldn't let pervs like me have one of these, probably, because the possibilities for pervy adventures are endless. I kind of wanted to wear it on the train and just hand the remote to a stranger, but I was told that was an "incredibly bad idea," so I listened. This vibe comes with a black lace thong with a built-in pocket to hold your vibe in place, and a 20-foot radius remote control with a keychain attachment for mobile sexytimes. It has two modes: remote or club mode, the latter allows you to go out dancing and really, really get into the beat. Um, that mode is very, very fun, especially at punk rock shows. (Tip: go to a rock show with your babe while she's wearing this, and then try to get her to have a coherant conversation, for laughs!)

WHO IT'S FOR: You wouldn't really buy this as a first vibrator for your chick. This is for the seasoned, sexually adventurous woman with an exhibitionist spirit. It would also probably help if she thought those joke hand-buzzer things were really funny.

DEAL: Until midnight 12/12, save up to $50 off of your order at Babeland.com and receive free shipping on anything over $99, and starting tomorrow receive $25 off of any orders over $125, with free shipping.

Best Travel Toy: jimmyjane Form 2

PRICE: $99 (12/12 only)

THOUGHTS: Don't let it's travel-size or cute little rabbit ears fool you -- this is toy is 2x as powerful as the famed and vasty overrated 'Rabbit' toy. Small and discrete enough to pass through a TSA airport inspection without note (speaking from personal experience), this vibe has a powerful motor (and separate motors in each of the flexible ears) four vibration intensity levels and five pulse modes. It's waterproof, and comes with a dock charger for it's lithium battery. Jimmyjane's site also has a whole section of tips for men looking to purchase toys, should you wish to educate yourself.

WHO IT'S FOR: Anyone who loves fun -- this toy is versatile, well-made, and a lot of fun solo, or during couples play.

DEAL: Free US Holiday shipping, plus this puppy is usually $145!

Best Vibrating Ring: ICONIC RING

PRICE: $35

THOUGHTS: Forget those vibrating rings in the condom section, they'll only break your heart -- didn't we already talk about non-rechargable batteries in toys? Spike TV says that the Iconic Ring "turns your Mr. Happy into a bionic orgasm machine," and they're not wrong. While most couples toys tend to be geared towards female stimulation, the vibrating ring is definitely a male favorite, once you get past the idea of a ring being a scary thing to wear. Get past it, trust me. There's nothing scary about this toy's flexible, comfortable plastic design, and there's definitely nothing scary about how good it feels.

(Note: I made an exception -- this one doesn't recharge, but the batteries are replaceable. Rechargeable would be a lot to ask, for a $35 orgasm machine.)

Best Toy to Give Her When You're Going on a Trip: We-Vibe Thrill

 PRICE: $179

THOUGHTS: I'll admit, I was skeptical. Between it's strong resemblance to a miniature power tool, and the higher price, I wondered what the hell was about to happen to my body. Turns out, the Thrill is awesome -- structurally similar to the we-vibe designed for couples play which I reviewed above, this is the taller, stronger cousin. The handle indicates that it's designed for solo play, and the dual-stimulation helps the G-Spot challenged discover the possibilities that elusive little spot holds, which is only good news for you, when you return from your trip. (Pro-tip: Look for rosy cheeks as a sign of toy-approval.) The Thrill features 8 modes, is completely waterproof, and here's the best part: it takes only 90 minutes to recharge.

WHO IT'S FOR: Any lady, really, except maybe those who are very sensitive and need something a bit tamer. In that case, the We-Vibe 3 would be an excellent choice.

WHO IT'S FOR: Though it's a great choice as a first vibe, this will definitely be staying in my arsenal, so I'd say it's a great, affordable, high-quality toy for anyone.

Best Discrete Toy: We-Vibe Tango

PRICE: $79

THOUGHTS: Oh what, this? Oh nothing, just a tube of lipstick that I now keep in my bag at all times, because I love lipstick. And orgasms. While this toy is designed for solo, on-the-go use, the possibilities are endless. Plus, it's rechargeable battery lasts for up to two hours, which is mostly unheard of in the world of toys. This toy will make you glad that she lugs that dumb purse everywhere she goes.

WHO IT'S FOR: A discrete toy is the best friend of any adventurous lady or couple, because it means it's always there when you need it to be.

Best Surprise Sexy Gift: Afterglow Natural Massage Oil Candle

PRICE: $29

THOUGHTS: There are two things we ladies love: candles and massages. Candles are so romantic or whatever (ugh, I hate that I'm being serious, but I am) and massages are the best, agreed? Jimmyjane sent me this candle with the toys, and at first I was like, oh, that's nice of them. Then I actually read the box later when I was less lazy (read: less overwhelmed by a box full of sex toys that needed to be charged) and realized that this is no ordinary candle. The Afterglow candle melts into a lovely massage oil. This is good for us ladies, since we love massages, and it's great for everyone because massages = naked = impending sexytimes. It doesn't really smell anything like bourbon, but that's a good thing, really. Bourbon is for drinking.

WHO IT'S FOR: Everyone who has hands.

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Phew. All of the sites I've linked are awesome, sex-positive, reliable companies to order from, and many of them are offering holiday deals.

All of them also offer completely discrete shipping, so you can order with confidence knowing that your item will not arrive the way mine did -- in a bright pink, unwrapped shopping bag delivered by a blushing courier. Yours will arrive in an un-marked box, filled with fun, sexy things that will make you a hero in the bedroom.

Jackie Mancini is the associate editor of GuySpeed and an unabashed lover of large breasts, porno, foul mouths and loud music. Her childhood diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder is most likely responsible for her current position as the only female employee of a men’s website. Her column ‘The [Fairer Se]X Files’ appears every Wednesday. You can read more of her work here, and you can also follow her on Twitter.