Ah, Opening Day. One of the best days of the year. The smell of fresh-cut grass. The crack of the bat. Peanuts. Cracker Jacks. And....questionable baseball cap choices throughout the crowd. We know that people buy them, but why? We’ve taken a look at the thousands of licensed Major League Baseball hats on the market right now so you don’t have to.

These hats go beyond the abominations that are red Yankees hats (damn you, Fred Durst) or anything pink other than for breast cancer awareness. We start with the assumption (true, of course) that all non-standard hats other than the classic ones in team colors are garbage. Burn them all. And ladies, that includes painters caps, newsboy caps, etc.

Before we get to the official Top (or Bottom) Ten, here are a few that didn’t quite make the cut, just to whet your appetite: Check out this ridiculous Yankees FlairHair visor. This is a joke, right? Or this San Francisco Giants All City Patch cap for the 49ers fan just jumping on the Giants’ bandwagon. This Cubs MLB POP Series 59Fifty Cap by New Era is perfect for that special Cubs fan in your life who doesn’t give a damn about tradition, team colors or fashion.

All right let’s get to it. Warning: your reactions to these hats may not be safe for work. Here are the 10 worst MLB hats that no fan should wear.

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    Neon Bar Strapback

    Looking for an ugly hat in black and cyber yellow where the team logo partially obscures the lettering on the cap? You’re in luck! This Neon Bar Strapback is just what you’re looking for. It’s just plain ugly. This delightful neon bar cap is for Royals fans who hate themselves.

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    'Striz-aw' 39Thirty

    It’s a baseball hat. Made with straw. And it’s called the “Striz-aw.” More like, wiz-orst, amirite?

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    Madras Trucker 9TWENTY Cap

    Parents don’t let their kids wear madras trucker caps. If your child is wearing this atrocious lid, you run the risk of having child protective services called on you. It’s madras. It’s mesh. It’s horrible. You’ve been warned.  Coming in a close second is this Scratch-n-Sniff Cubs cupcake cap (A Scratch-n-Sniff cap? Really?). Honorable mention to this Marlins monstrosity, but there are no Marlins fans to buy this nightmare for their children.

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    Glow In the Dark Snap 9Fifty Cap

    The whole “Glow In the Dark” line of caps gives us a headache, but we had to give a special mention to this Expos cap. If you’re going to honor the memory of the Expos, who had such an iconic red white and blue logo, you really should change it up and replace it with gray, black and fluorescent/glow in the dark green. Poor Expos. They deserved a better fate both in real life and hat life. Shoutout to the Yankees Glow In the Dark hat. Brutal.

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    TMC Print 59Fifty Cap

    This Indians hat wins the Triple Crown of hat nastiness. No sign of actual team colors? Check. Horrible black/lime color scheme? Check. Ugly stuff on the brim? Check and check. This Indians cap stands out as one of the worst we’ve seen. My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

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    Plaidtastic St Pats 39 Thirty Cap

    We know that baseball fans love to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. We also know that those fans love to wear green hats of their favorite team (we’re looking at you, Red Sox fans). While the green hats are awful in their own right, this “Plaidtastic” (yes, that is the word used to describe the hat) gem takes St. Patrick’s Day hat awfulness to a new level. Honorable mention to this St. Patrick’s Day beaut.

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    Bling Hat by Victoria’s Secret Pink

    Ladies, you’re not off the hook for your poor accessory choices. Victoria’s Secret urges its female fans to: “Hit a style home run! Top off your game-day or everyday look with our must-have accessory this season: a blingy baseball hat. Sparkly, allover sequins with cute embroidered graphics on the back.” Just say no. Special shoutout to the Rockies and Yankees versions of the Bling hat in an oh so tasteful silver.  Remember what we said in the opener to this story? Please don’t waste your money on painter hats like this “Orioles” cap which has absolutely nothing to do with baseball or the Orioles.

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    Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Team Camo 59Fifty Cap

    This Angels Camo hat needs a disguise. What is this monstrosity? We can think of at least five different reasons why this should never see the light of day. It doesn’t have the team logo, it’s in non-standard colors and then of course the camo brim brings it to a new level of awful. Who even thought this was a good idea? The entire New Era line of Team Camo caps has a special place in hat hell.

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    Florical 59Fifty Cap

    Do you love the tasteful subtlety of a Hawaiian shirt so much you want to make it into a cap? This is your lucky day. Feast your eyes on the “Florical” hat, available for all 30 MLB clubs. We’re still at a loss for how or why this was created. Aloha means goodbye to this floral monstrosity.

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    MLB Bufdog 59Fifty

    Woof woof. This “Bufdog” hat is a real dog. Looking to rep your team during the cold winter months of the offseason but aren’t satisfied with a knit cap? Well New Era’s Bufdog is just for you. This delightful wool and fleece combination abomination has fur-lined doggy ears to cover your lobes. And if you don’t want the ear-coverage, just tie the flaps to the top of the cap. Add in the fact that the red and black plaid have no relation to the actual team colors, and it’s a jackpot.