Jonah Maturure is a man who once could be described as having testicular fortitude. But not anymore. Jonah put them on the line when he decided to cross the Chivake River in Zimbabwe...and a crocodile promptly bit them off for him.

To be fair to Maturure, this is something he'd done dozens of times in his seventy years on Earth, always without pants because he didn't want to ruin them. He'd just take off his trousers, toss them in his box of tomatoes he held over his head, and wade across the river. A crocodile decided to make his swim a little more interesting.

"It mauled a chunk of my buttocks before attacking my manhood, tearing my testicles into shreds. The skin covering my manhood was partly torn but I quickly put my thumb in its mouth ... It then grabbed my hand and I could hear my bones cracking."

Doesn't he sound pretty calm for a dude who just got his butt and nuts chomped off?

Fortunately, during all this, he dropped his tomatoes (no, the fruit in the box) and the croc went for them, thinking it was Maturure falling into the river. He got onto shore just in time, and thankfully got help.

It's like our sixth grade teacher always told us "kids, keep your pants on at all times, especially when crossing a river in Zimbabwe carrying a box of tomatoes." So wise.

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