If you grew up in the ‘80s, chances are fairly good that the classic Nintendo game Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out was a large part of your childhood. Somehow, with almost every other game being made into a movie, studios have overlooked our favorite boxing game.
Instead of waiting for an executive to ruin it with bad casting decisions, we’ve gone ahead and done the work for them by putting together the perfect cast for Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out: The Movie.
While it may seem like a surprising choice, Little Mac has to be someone who you wouldn’t expect to be a world champion boxer, but you’d cheer for every step of the way. How could you not cheer for Cryer? If he decided to give up acting and pursue boxing, I’d buy every pay-per-view. I don’t see that happening, but still, he has my support.
Leslie David Baker as Doc Lewis
You need a guy who is, not only funny, but also believable as a former boxing star. Baker has the build for it and is also hilarious. I could totally see him knocking out up and coming contenders a decade ago.
Michael Cera as Glass Joe
Why is Glass Joe still boxing? Does he owe some sort of giant gambling debt? According to his record he is 1-99. Can you imagine the Vegas payout on that one fight he won? The odds had to have been astronomical. Michael Cera could bring a goofy charm to the role that would make you cheer for him even though you know he doesn’t have a chance in the world. This isn’t your Scott Pilgrim-type Michael Cera.
Daniel Day Lewis as Von Kaiser
Lewis loves delving into a part and embodying everything that a character represents. While Von Kaiser would probably only have 5-10 minutes of screen time, Lewis would find a way to make his inane dialogue into Oscar material and turn this from a Michael Bay popcorn film into a daring tale of triumph that the Academy would be forced to recognize.
Robin Shou as Piston Honda
The martial artist is probably best known for his role in the 'Mortal Kombat' movies or as Chris Farley’s brother in 'Beverly Hills Ninja'. He may not have the towering physique of Piston Honda, but his skills would make Piston’s signature attacks quite believable and intimidating.
Johnny Depp as Don Flamenco
There were a lot of different routes you could go with Flamenco, but the flamboyant ladies man would be an excellent character piece for Depp. Luckily for us Flamenco is more looks than skill, so Depp could focus more on just being pretty than actually developing a right hook. Hopefully James Cameron’s people could do the CGI for when Flamenco’s hairline recedes each time he gets punched in the face.
Kevin James as King Hippo
Kevin James’ career has pretty much been leading to this point. The star of 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' and 'Here Comes the Boom' would probably require some sort of prosthetic mouth as King Hippo, but that tiny crown would look adorable on his head. He could finally be crowned 'King of Queens'.
Ben Kingsley as Great Tiger
If we’re doing a dream cast, then we might as well go all out and cast Sir Ben Kingsley as the magical, teleporting boxer. I’ve never seen a rule against teleportation in the ring, but if anyone could convince a committee to let it slide, it would be Kingsley. By the way, was this where they got the idea for the movie 'Jumper'?
Steve Austin as Bald Bull
It came down to “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Vin Diesel, or Vinnie Jones and, while Jones had the size, Austin has the charisma. If you were trying to cast an accurate Bald Bull, you’d need to find someone who appears to be around 8 feet tall and since Shawn Bradley doesn’t have the muscle mass, the part falls to Austin. If only there were a way for a boxer to legally do a Stone Cold Stunner, he would be unstoppable.
Dolph Lundgren as Soda Popinski
I never understood why there was a boxer whose gimmick was drinking a lot of off-brand Sprite. Also, how did he hold that with a boxing glove? It’s incredible. Lundgren has the movie experience in the ring and could emulate the signature Soda Popinski laugh perfectly. On a side note, did anyone else notice that Dolph clearly died on 'The Expendables' and then later showed back up like everything was fine? What was that about?
Terry Crews as Mr. Sandman
This one is a no-brainer. Crews is absolutely gigantic and has the look of a seemingly unstoppable boxer. Also, his entrance music would have to be 'A Thousand Miles' by Vanessa Carlton because that song is forever attached to him like a beautiful, melodic Siamese twin.
Arnold Schwarzenegger as Super Macho Man
An aged, super buff dude who looks like he could still beat the crap out of you? The two are basically the same person. I’m thinking a little movie magic would have to be pulled off for Schwarzenegger to do the signature Super Macho Man Super Punch, but I’d pay the price of admission just to see him do that pec-bouncing taunt that Super Macho always did after he knocked you down.
While casting Tyson himself may seem like the route to go, he doesn’t exactly have the intimidating factor that early ‘90s Tyson used to terrify opponents. Have you seen The Rock lately? His neck has disappeared beneath a sea of muscle. Once Little Mac had worked his way through a field of difficult opponents, The Rock has the look that would let him know he’s further from his goal than he could possibly imagine. Plus, my mom loves The Rock so this would get her in the theater for sure.