Why I’m Looking For a Single Man [HALF A MAN]

The sun blasted through the open moonroof, tanning my powdered donut-colored face almost immediately. The first toasty day in months caused the chilled six-pack in the passenger seat to sweat as much as its designated driver. The first beer, chugged over the flames of a brand new grill, will be sweeter than all the desserts in the fridge, which I’ve been forbidden to touch until all the guests arrive.

My only regret is the absence of a man with whom to share this day.

I need a single friend. Every married guy does.

The Memorial Day guest list reads exactly like the attendance record of every other holiday gathering at my house – two kids under the age of four, a Permanent Roommate (my nickname for the wife), my parents, her mom and so many skin-gnawing insects it were as if we lived in stagnant water. All wonderful people, as I’m obligated to say aloud, but not exactly a think tank with whom a still on the good side of forty man like myself can discuss all of the things of which I hold in high regard – sports, comic books, Adult Swim and that girl in the DirectTV ad who makes me want to buy a satellite dish and trick her into watching softcore porn.

The beer, the medium rare meat and the discussion at the picnic table involving baptism dresses has me yearning for a single man to just bullshit with about…oh who cares, anything but the quintessential hair bows for summer church services.

Why does it have to be a single guy? Because cell phone is packed with plenty of married men with small children and inviting them over for summer ale or the final round of the US Open brings with it all the things I’m trying to avoid – wives, children and discussion about those topics. Pass. I want to tell tales of the life of a free man who doesn’t know, or care, about the crippling costs of daycare.

Being with another man is also healthy for me – much healthier than the five all-beef franks I’ll ingest over the course of one afternoon – and healthy for my marriage.

“When marriages are compromised by the man who has an affair,” explained Dr. Ruth Kuchinsky-Smith, a psychologist and therapist, “most often the reason is that the man needs an escape from all of the stresses that can come with a long term relationship.  Married guys need to be connected in some way to their original status.”

Now, it’s not as if the Roommate is against a single friend. I just don’t know any anymore. Finding a single dude to drink all my beer and assist me with killing a few hours on a Sunday should be simple. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 112 million unmarried people over the age of 18 in the United States. Unmarried people account for nearly 47% of the adult population. I’ve tried to find a friend for the end of my world but the search isn’t as easy as making new friends at the gym or taking out a classified ad. The responses were as you’d expect from a Craigslist ad titled MARRIED GUY IN SEARCH OF SINGLE MAN FOR WEEKEND FUN but I suppose that’s entirely my fault.

For those wondering why the hell a single guy would want to saddle himself to a guy with a wife and two young kids for large chunks of a weekend, this friendship will be mutually beneficially. Much like the new car test drive, a friendship with a married man will surely answer any questions a man might have about wanting a family of his own.

“It would depend on the individual but some men get involved in a relationship, get carried away romantically and enter into marriage without a realistic view,” said Kuchinsky-Smith.
“The single gentleman can glean a great understanding of what married life looks and feels like without getting involved before being emotionally ready.”

With a July 4 picnic just a few weeks away, the search for a single friend will be even more frantic. I’ve just got to use the right bait. Maybe the best plan of action is to hang out with more single women.

It might be time to post another Craigslist ad.

Chris Illuminati is the editor-in-chief of GuySpeed. He’s written three humor books, ruined many personal relationships and still cries during thunderstorms. His “Half a Man” column appears (almost) every week. You can read more of his work here or follow him on Twitter.